Jim's Jokebook, page 2


You Know You've Been a Cop Too Long If . . .

- submitted by C. Twitty, former Reserve Officer

If an officer approaches you, don't say, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

- submitted by Christine Guerard

Detective Training

Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

- submitted by Kathy Caballero

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner, sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck, and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one, you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler. "He had a stocking pulled over his head."

- submitted by SJ Stiers

Another real-life dumb criminal

An armed man robbed a convenience store at gunpoint, demanding all the cash in the drawer, then demanding a case of beer from behind the counter. The clerk gave him the money, but told him he couldn't let him have the beer because he was a minor. The man sputtered and protested, but the clerk refused to give him the beer.

"You'll have to show me some ID before I can give it to you."

Disgusted, the robber pulled out his wallet and showed the clerk his driver's license. The clerk gave him the beer, then sent the cops to the man's home address.

- submitted by Big Al

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the goober driver.  "Sir, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"

The goober replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!  I almost had an accident.  I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.  I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.  I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir...  that's your air freshener."

- submitted by Barb

A policeman pulls over a carload of nuns.

Policeman: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Policeman: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit; that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the policeman looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Policeman: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 121."

- submitted by L.A. Christie

Things not to do when you get pulled over:

1. Say, "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you're deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, "No, my speedometer only goes to......"

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8. Refer to him by his first name.

9. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

10. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, 'cuz you don't like ink on your fingers.

11. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say, "Oops! That's the wrong name."

12. When he comes up to the car, say, "License and registration, please," right when he says it.

13. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

14. Trip and fall into him.

15. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

16. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose.  Then ask to use his pen to sign the ticket.

17. Chew on the pen, nervously.

18. Clean your ear with the pen.

19. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

20. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

21. Mumble to yourself.

22. When he comes to the car, say, "I have a badge just like yours!"

23. Ask if ever watched 'Cop Rock.'

24. Giggle if he did.

25. Talk to your hand.

26. When he frisks you, say, "You missed a spot" and grin.

27. When he asks to look inside your car, say, "There's no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it."

28. Try to sell him your car.

29. Ask if you can buy his car.

30. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.

31. Play with the siren.

32. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

33. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

34. If you're in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

35. Turn your head and whistle.

36. Or, after he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

37. Stare at his lights and say, "Look at the pretty colors!"

38. Say, "Yeah, you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?"

39. Say, "I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket."

40. If he gives you a warning, say, "Gee, officer!  That's terrific.  The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!"

- Compiled and submitted by Jennifer from various sources

Nine ways NOT to start your police report

(From American Police Beat)

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...

3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire...

4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind...

6. Got call.  Responded.  Arrested bad guy.  The end.

7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...

8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist...

9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on http://www.gcfl.net

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.  He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Brown on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike. "'tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on http://www.gcfl.net

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on http://www.gcfl.net

Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.  While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So little Billy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on http://www.gcfl.net

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on http://www.gcfl.net

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on http://www.gcfl.net

True story from Mesa, Az...

Attorney: "Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?"

Officer: "Approximately one-half mile."

Attorney: "Can you see clearly for one-half mile?"

Officer: "Yes."

Attorney: "Well, officer, I doubt that you can clearly see an incident that is occuring one-half mile away.  Suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!"

Officer: "Well, sir, on a clear night, all the way to the moon."

- submitted by Jennifer

A man is going down the road and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.  When the officer gets up to the car, he tells the man that he was speeding. The man isn't surprised because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and the man tells him that they are for his act - he's a juggler.

The patrolman doesn't believe him and tells him to prove it, so the man gets out of the car and starts to juggle the knives.  At the same time, two men drive by and witness the goings-on.  One of the men looks at the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking.  Those sobriety tests these days are rough!"

-submitted by Jennifer

These next two aren't cop jokes, but Jim laughed so hard he just about couldn't breathe when he read them, so I figured I better put them up. ;)

A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings in this bar. Leave and don't come back." The string leaves the bar and walks around the corner. He ties himself in a double overhand and frizzles his ends. He re-enters the bar, walks up to the bartender and requests a drink. The bartender peers closely at him and asks "Aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

- submited by Greyselchie


Two guys walked into a bar ...  the third one ducked.

- submitted by Joanne Thompson

Real-life dumb criminal:

A robber walks into a liquor store, puts a twenty dollar bill on the counter, and asks for change for the twenty.  As soon as the clerk opens the cash register, the robber pulls out a hand gun and demands all the money in the cash register.    The clerk gives the robber the money in the register, and the robber leaves, leaving the twenty dollar bill still on the counter. There was only fifteen dollars in the cash register.

- submitted by Officer Doc

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