Jim's Joke Book

No Adam-12 site would be complete without good clean cop jokes, and since Jim Reed was the source of more cornball jokes than anyone on the show, who better to maintain the joke archives than that master of telling a joke so badly that no one laughs but Brinkman, Jim Reed. If you have a good (or so bad it's funny) clean cop joke, email me and I'll pass it along to Jim. As soon as he quits laughing, or trying to figure out why Pete didn't laugh at it, he'll post it for you.

So this little guy walks into a bar . . . oops, I said I was gonna quit telling that one, didn't I? Too chancy.

- Jim


A police officer was sent to talk to a man about his dog.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but we've received a complaint stating that your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle."  "That's ridiculous, officer" the man replied, "My dog doesn't even own a bicycle."

- submitted by Brenda

Subject: "What to do if 911 is busy"

As I was getting into bed the other night, my wife told me I had left the light on in the garage. She could see light coming through the bedroom window. As I got up to shut the curtain (rather than go outside to shut off the stupid light), I saw there were 2 guys taking things from my garage. I immediately called 911, but was told that they didn't have anyone "in the area at this time," but would send someone over as soon as possible. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute. Then I called 911 again. I said, "I called you a minute ago because there was someone in my garage. Well, you don't have to worry about that now because I just shot them."

Within two minutes there were 3 cruisers in front of my house, a SWAT van
and the paramedics.

They immediately apprehended the burglars. However, the lieutenant was
really mad & said "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

-- submitted by Linda R.

A police patrol unit parked outside a local bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it wasn't raining, flicked the hazard flasher on and off and tooted the horn. He switched on the lights and moved the vehicle forward a few feet, then he backed the car up and remained stationary as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on his flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over. He gave the man a breathalyzer test and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," the man replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

-- submitted by Kimberly


Criminal Do's and Don't's . . .

reprinted from GCFL (http://www.gcfl.net)

If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...
*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.

*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat
about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain

When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in
your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.

"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification
for burglarizing the neighbors' house when they are out of town.

When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say,
"Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.

If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in
traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.

*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and
the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.

*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's
considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are
getting ready to lie through your teeth.

*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?"
before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic

*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about
your name.

*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when
lying about your birthday.

When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by
an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's

*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my
pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your

If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do*
make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.

*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned
vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.

If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops
*Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.

- submitted by Brenda


New! CHP Trooper

The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and
is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never
driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might
drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have
much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and
the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts
accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to
about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue
lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over
and the trooper comes to the window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment
please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells
the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person
pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No, Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper,"but he's got
the Pope as his chauffer!"

- submitted by Erica

Top Ten Signs You've Watched One Too Many Episodes Of

10. You can spout off the dialogue before the character

9. You recognize victims in "Adam-12" on other tv

8. If you're a police officer you hum the theme song to
"Adam-12" on every run.

7. You try to spell out the license plates of the cars
ahead of you.

6. You watched the news report of the North Hollywood
shootout and realised you were looking for Adam-12.

5. When an officer asks you for a license plate number
you embarrass yourself by spelling out the letters.

4. On the highway you pretend to be in pursuit of the
car ahead of you.

3. You tend to know more about police procedures than
the real cops.

2. You call your kids in for code 7.

1. When police fail to catch a suspect you think to
yourself, "Malloy and Reed would've caught him!"

- submitted by Dixie L.

Reckless Speeding...

A police officer pulls a Texan over for speeding, and they have the
following exchange:

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"

Driver: "I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

Officer: "The car is stolen?"

Driver: "Yes sir. But come to think of it, I believe that I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"

Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owned this car."

Officer: "You killed the owner of this car?"

Driver: "Yes, sir... and I stuffed her body in the trunk,"

Officer: "There's a body in the trunk ?!?"

Driver: "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Within
minutes, the car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"

Driver: "Sure. Here it is."

The captain quickly verifies that the license is valid.

Captain: "Who's car is this?"

Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's my owner's card."

The captain cross checks state records verifying that the driver
owned the car.

Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?"

Driver: "Yes, officer, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it."

Driver: "No problem."

The trunk is opened; and, except for a spare tire, it is completely

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk of your car."

Driver: "Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!"

- submitted by Kathy Caballero

Two policemen were having a lunch break at a diner. Since they didn't do much overtime they brought their own sandwiches and ordered soda. The owner saw this and became concerned so he addressed them. "Look, fella's, I'm glad you're coming here to eat--it makes the customers feel safe and all. But I wish you wouldn't eat your own food." The two officers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and traded their sandwiches.
- submitted by Dixie L.

Jim's Jokebook, Page 2